I’m going to share a story that is uncomfortable yet empowering to shift your perspective on fighting someone you care about.
My husband and I had one of those rare, loud, ugly fights that make you feel like crap afterward.
To be totally honest, I don’t even remember what it was about.
You probably can relate if you can remember a fight with someone close to you but totally forgot what caused it.
We were yelling at each other trying to prove the other person was wrong.
The breakthrough moment happened because of our 3-year old son.
Hearing our yelling from his room, he picked up a Lego construction he made, climbed on his bed and dropped it with a Big Bang. Plastic pieces were flying everywhere.
Our son knew that it would get him into trouble; we would be upset with him, and he would get locked in his room for a time-put.
(Mommy’s moment: I’m so proud of his courage. He didn’t hide or pretend fighting wasn’t happening like I used to do in my childhood.)
In that moment of anger, I could start yelling at my son and discipline him. But I realized something that changed everything.
This 3-year old boy has so much love for us, his parents, that he couldn’t bear hear us fighting.
It’s like he was saying, “Please don’t fight with each other. Punish me instead if what it takes for you to stop.”
I totally got what he was “saying.”
He chose to draw our attention to his “misbehaving” so that we would stop arguing; even if it meant that he would be punished and he had to sacrifice the toy he made himself.
His top priority was to keep love and peace between us.
It was at that moment I realized that neither my husband nor I could win.
If I proved him to be “wrong”, we both lost.
If he proved me to be “wrong”, we both lost again.
We were fighting not against each other but together against our relationship and all that it represents: family, love, trust, peace, commitment and more.
I also realized that I had the power to change that situation in an instant. I didn’t use the “discovery” of what our son did to blame my husband because I got it that we would both loose. Instead, I just shared with full awareness, in a quiet voice, what has just happened.
My husband mirrored my state instantly.
We just started talking as two loving, responsible and concerned spouses and parents.
I was so moved and touched by my guys.
Our son just taught me a major lesson on love and choosing love first, whatever it takes.
I commit to choosing love first, every time.
It doesn’t mean that I’ll agree with everything my guys do or say. It doesn’t mean that I won’t set healthy boundaries. But I surely won’t be yelling at the closest people I love trying to prove them wrong.
I would love to hear you story about how you handle challenging situations when someone “pushes your buttons” and ways in which you choose love.