It’s a new month and I’ve decided to start a weekly series “the Top 5 Friday” on what works and what doesn’t work in dating and relationships. If you have any specific questions that you’d like me to address, please click REPLY and ask them. I’ll address as many as I can.
This Friday, I want to address the 5 biggest mistakes that ruin a relationship with an alpha male.
My husband is a classic alpha male—an accomplished business litigator, 4 handicap golfer, and an extreme ski racer, to name a few things about him.
So, if you wonder how to get into a relationship with an alpha man and, most importantly, avoid losing him, I’m about to reveal the biggest mistakes women make with these men.
Let’s get right into the top 5:
Mistake #1: Trying to control him.
In my relationship, I have to catch myself before I say things like, “You said you’d be home by 7 and it’s already 7:15. I want you to call me if you’re running late, even if it’s 15 minutes.” If I said this, he’d feel defensive and most likely we’d end up arguing and wasting an entire evening.
If you’re dating, you could be making this mistake by texting him things like, “You said you’d call me at 9 but it’s already 9:30 and I still haven’t heard from you.”
Mistake #2: Trying to control the outcome.
I often tell my clients, “Be committed, but not attached to the outcome.”
In my relationship, I have to remind myself of what I’m committed to—a loving lasting relationship—and let go of an attachment to a specific outcome like going to the south of France on our next vacation. I put it on the vision board, I told my friends we are going but my husband doesn’t want to travel outside of the U.S. now. If I were fighting him and pushing for it, he’d fight and push back and we’d likely end up going nowhere—both in our relationship and vacation plans.
If you’re dating, you could be making this mistake by initiating, coordinating and planning where and what you’re going to do on your dates. And, after a few weeks of dating, you could ruin what you’ve been building when you bring up a question like, “So, where do you think this relationship is going?”
Mistake #3: Telling him what to do.
This is a real challenge for me given that I give advice to others for a living. I have to catch myself before I tell him things like, “You should meditate with me so you can release daily stress easily” or “You shouldn’t drink alcohol so that your body becomes leaner faster.” Even though I have the best intention in mind, it’s not my business to tell him what he should or shouldn’t do. The only time it’s appropriate is when he comes to me and asks for advice.
If you’re dating, you could be making this mistake by criticizing and judging him for what he does or doesn’t do in early stages of dating. For instance, he asks you out for an art gallery opening but you’re telling him “Let’s go to this new Broadway show instead. You should call the theater and see if they have tickets for next Tuesday.”
Mistake #4: Trying to change him.
Being in an 8-year committed relationship with an alpha man, I have to remind myself why I fell in love with my husband. I remember how free we felt and how much fun we had on our first dates when time didn’t exist. Well, he’s still the kind of man who loves to feel free (whether it’s driving a power boat or skiing double black runs), have fun and forget about time. So, when he’s playing golf with his buddies, I can’t resent him or tell him to only spend time with me and our son.
If you’re dating, you could be making this mistake by projecting your ideal man list onto a guy you’re dating. For example, instead of believing him when he tells you, “I’m not looking for a long-term relationship,” you might dismiss it thinking you’ll be able to change him and turn him into a devoted family man.
Mistake #5: Trying to get him to say “Yes”.
When my husband says “No” to something I want, whether it’s my choice of a movie (but it’s based on a true love story) or me going to the A-Fest in Ibiza (but I was selected to go), I had to learn to take “No” for the answer. Because if continue to push (“What do you mean, “No”?”), demand (“I need you to be ok with me going anywhere I want”) or as for explanations (“Why can’t I go to Ibiza by myself?”), it’s going to create the drama and put stress on our relationship that no trip worth.
If you’re dating, you could be making this mistake when a guy you’re dating tells you he can’t come with you to your friend’s birthday and you ask him “Why can’t you?” Or, if he texts you saying he’ll have to work on Saturday and won’t be able to go on a hike with you and you text him back “Why do you have to work on the weekend? Can you work after the hike?”
Now, you might be reading this and thinking, “She’s powerless and has no say in her relationship.” You’d be surprised to know that it’s the exact opposite. I have an unlimited power in expressing my wants, needs, and desires without making my man feel manipulated, controlled and emasculated (that would only put any real man on a defensive.) My husband can be himself, feel respected (which men value more than feeling loved) and unconditionally accepted with me. And when a man feels this way, he’ll do ANYTHING to please you, make you happy and shower you with love.
Knowing what these mistakes are is the first step. Not making them in an actual relationship is the next level that is going to make all the difference in your love life. To be brutally honest, I still have to remind myself of these mistakes and the cost of making them. Even though I understand intellectually that avoiding them will eliminate drama and deepen the connection, it can be challenging to actually do it. Yet, having the right mindset and support make it possible.
If you want to ensure that you don’t accidentally make any of these mistakes and want to have an experienced relationship coach by your side, I’d love to support you. Simply leave a comment here, tell me about your situation and ask a specific question you have. I’ll be happy to answer and give you some coaching via a blog post, video or even a private session.